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It's about 7 in the morning; not only am I awake, but I'm at work. I took a nap yesterday and slept three or four hours last night -- nearly 8 full hours of sleep, which I think is a record since November -- I've been dealing with the worst insomnia I've had since 2002 since then. (And I'm not totally convinced this isn't worse than the 2002 bout.) I have a low level of sleep-onset insomnia all the time that usually gets worse in the winter. This winter has just been hell.

Maybe it's starting to let up, but I think it's more likely that the deadbabylogman saw my level of sleep debt and sent out some kneecappers.

(Sleep aids work, but leave me feeling like a zombie the next day, so I only use them if the situation is dire and I don't have to function the day after.)


I'm on the plane to return home from a customer conference. It was useful and I think worthwhile, but it was also so far out of my usual experience, it's a little hard to judge.

I'm not good with people, so being in what was essentially a sales position for a day was a little grating. I think I handled myself -- and the customers I came in contact with -- reasonably well.

There's also a story here about coming out to a coworker as poly. And one about a racist asshole in a bar. And one about having to walk through knee deep snow to make this flight. But those are going to have to wait, since they're closing the doors.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


Since 1998 or so, I've had BIG CHANGE years every three years like clockwork. Usually, there are smaller-scale changes scattered throughout, but nothing on the order of the three-year cycle. I tend to lump the tail and beginning ends of the surrounding years in, because it seems like a fair bit happens on the edges, too.

In 1998 I left school, and then went back to school; I lost my mind and then found it again. (These four things are related.) Arguably 1999 was a changier year (I met M!), but 1998 laid the groundwork: I was sane for possibly the first time in my life.

In 2001 I graduated, started my first real job, moved in with M, and got married (twice). Oh, and there was that pesky 9/11, which though it did not directly affect me, changed the entire country.

In 2004 M and I had our first serious forays into ethical non-monogamy. I started two new relationships (and ended one) and had my relationship with M nearly catastrophically die (and in the process it went through huge changes of its own). M went back to school (which was changier for me than you might expect), and we bought a house.

In 2007, the other 2004 relationship ended. And then I started another a few months later (with someone I hadn't met or primarily interacted with online!). I changed jobs for the first time since 2001, going from a megacorp to a tiny 25-head place (where I was the THIRD engineer). Then in celebration I bought myself a car for the first time (and learned to drive stick on it).

Comparably, this year has been quiet in terms of the numbers of things that have changed, but the few that have have been doozies. I started living half-time with Be, which itself changed again as I've been more-or-less home-bound preparing for the next part of the change: my family-of-choice has bought a three-flat in Chicago, and we're making it a big single-family home for a family of six adults.

It's not just a change of place and a change of ownership, but a drastic change in how we live. It's exciting and it's scary and it's going to be awesome if we don't screw it up.

Amelia Earhart

I didn't know she had an open marriage. The things they don't teach you in elementary school.

On our life together I want you to understand I shall not hold you to any midaevil code of faithfulness to me nor shall I consider myself bound to you similarly. If we can be honest I think the difficulties which arise may best be avoided should you or I become interested deeply (or in passing) in anyone else.



me: Yeah, I'm taking a welding/forging class.

him: please tell me you're building a terrorist-killing armor suit
doesn't even have to be true
just tell me
and if you could say something about a cave and some scraps, I would sure appreciate that.

me: That's the plan.
I mean, it'll take a while. I'm not Tony Stark. I couldn't do it in a cave, with a bunch of scraps.

him: YES.

me: Quite welcome.

A death

I have been using all of my daily allotment of words elsewhere of late, spread between a stupid email thread and a spectacular email thread and an intriguing & exciting family discussion and a dull & painful work document. So there have not really been words left over to talk much here.

But one of those email threads is quiet for a bit and I'm trying to active ignoring the other one (which is really just an instance of someone being WRONG on the internet), and so I have some free words.

My grandfather died last week. To be a little more specific, he suffocated to death with pneumonia after having his ventilator tube removed. A ventilator tube that was never supposed to have been inserted, because he was almost 96 years old and suffering from advanced dementia & not doing well physically. My father had already had to make the hard decision to move to palliative care only, and then he had to make the decision again to specifically remove the tube. I cannot imagine.

I flew down last Tuesday so that I could be with my dad on Wednesday as he watched his father die. His father, who really hasn't been in there for a while, but whom my dad's been taking care of as well as possible regardless. I cannot imagine.

There's a Poi Dog Pondering song, "U Li La Lu", with the lyric 'A friend of mine once said.... / "If you're ever around when someone dies, / look up and wave, they'll get a big kick out of it.")' And so I did, last Wednesday, after my grandfather had taken his last gasping breath and his heart had stopped beating. I looked up and waved.

And I hope that he got a big kick out of it.

There's a rant to be made here, a rant about how we so often treat our animals more humanely than we treat our humans, but I'm a little tired of ranting about it and a little defeated for now. I'm sick of people who believe in life-at-any-cost, and I'm done with people telling me that they're sorry my grandfather is dead.

I'm not sorry: he was almost 96, and he was active and doing what he loved doing until he was 92. And whether you believe in a soul or not, it was time for him to go. If you don't: he wasn't in there any more. If you do: he was in there, and trapped in a body that could not even effectively communicate.

I'm not sorry: in his belief system, he's with his God and my grandmother, filled with joy. In my belief system his matter and energy and soul are already being recycled.

Except for his needless suffering, I'm so happy for him.


Aug. 3rd, 2009

Life continues to be odd & fantastic.
"I can't find the hammer."

"Why do you need a hammer?"

"The one you gave me. Can't find it."

"I didn't give you a hammer."

"What? Hmm. Thought you did. I'll find it tomorrow and you'll remember."

(I'm pretty sure I've never given anyone a hammer.)

Conversation with M

"Bek and I are getting drunk. When are you coming home?"


Harper's Index

This month's Harper's Index is a review of GWB's presidency.

A list of numbers should not make me cry. Here are some highlights:

Number of incidents of torture on prime-time network TV shows from 2002 to 2007: 897

Number on shows during the previous seven years: 110


Percentage change since 2002 in the number of U.S. teens using illegal drugs: –9

Percentage change in the number of adults in their fifties doing so: +121

Number of times FDA officials met with consumer and patient groups as they revised drug-review policy in 2006: 5

Number of times they met with industry representatives: 113


Days after Hurricane Katrina hit that Cheney’s office ordered an electric company to restore power to two oil pipelines: 1

Days after the hurricane that the White House authorized sending federal troops into New Orleans: 4


Average percentage of Americans who approved of the job Bush was doing during his second term: 37

Percentage of Russians today who approve of the direction their country took under Stalin: 37


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